What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 10:51
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do many women like tall men?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was 9 years of age.
She married twice! .
Why do guys have better skin than women even though women use more product?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So whats the point in blame.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Has your wife or girlfriend ever been felt up in public by a stranger?
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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I waited trembling.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
How do you deal with a neighbor stealing?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I have no regrets .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I said to her
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i lived it daily.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Who then, do I blame.?
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was very sick at this time too.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He knew the spot.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..